TheBarovia Gazetteer

Situations Vacant

Wanted, a boy to walk the east lane at dusk and mark the number of persons in the procession. Counting only. No speaking. Two silver the week.

Wanted, night watchman for the bone room at the Church of the Morninglord. The duty is to watch the bones. Applicants who ask what for have already failed the interview.

Wanted, a strong man to help carry a body from a house to a churchyard. The last time this was asked in this village, one man came. He is remembered. Ask for him first.

Wanted, gravedigger. Piece work. Enquire at any parish. Enquire at all of them, there is enough.

Wanted, a second gravedigger.

Wanted, barkeep, immediately, at the Blood of the Vine. The position is not vacant. The holder of it is several days out on the road fetching wine, and the cellar was full when he left.

Wanted, someone to tell two women at a windmill something. Fee negotiable. Fee substantial. Fee paid in advance and not refundable.

Wanted, a name for a dog. Brown, short chain, mill on the Vallaki road. The dog has one. Nobody has asked it.

Wanted, a Burgomaster, for the Village of Barovia. The office is vacant. Applicants should be aware of how it became so, and should have no family they are attached to.

Wanted, apprentice to a coffin-maker. Steady trade. Steadier every week.

Situations Wanted

Respectable woman, forty, seeks indoor work of any kind. Any kind. Indoors.

Man, sober, seeks position anywhere west of the gates. Will accept less pay. Will accept much less pay. Will discuss.

Former carnival strongwoman, presently engaged, seeks nothing at this time, but wishes it known she is enormous.

Priest, twilight order, available for door-opening. Goes first. Charges accordingly.

Scholar available to date your stonework, read your inscriptions, and tell you which of your walls is older than your village. Fees modest. Findings not.

Necromancer, discreet, vegetarian, will raise what you have and return it in the condition found. No livestock. No questions about the hand.

Horse, gelding, strong, well fed, seeks driver who knows which way the road goes. Has had one who did not. Answers to three names, none of which is Princess, all of which are.

For Sale

For sale, wolfsbane, fresh cut. Five gold the sprig. No refunds. Testimonials unavailable.

For sale, house, three rooms, sound roof, excellent view of the road. Priced for a quick sale. Priced for a very quick sale. The key is under the step, take it.

For sale, wedding ring, inscribed Forever, found in the road below the falls. Owner presumed to be forevering elsewhere.

For sale, silver cutlery, complete service for eight, never used at table.

For sale, a mirror, small, steel, fifty gold. Enquire at Bildrath's, where it is not.

For sale, shutters, oak, iron-bound, from a house whose occupant no longer requires them.

For sale, a child's cradle, unused, and a second cradle, used.

For sale, twelve pastries, sweet, of a make no longer obtainable. Buyer to collect. Buyer not to eat.

For sale, holy water. Fifty gold the vial and not a copper under, whatever Mr. Cantemir is telling people he will pay.

For sale, a mummified goblin hand, used once, works. A second hand, larger and fresher, is not for sale and is spoken for.

For sale, one sack, plain, bought at Bildrath's at Bildrath's price, used once to carry a halfling. The halfling is not included and was not, strictly, carried.

For sale, wolf skulls, boiled clean, in a lot or singly. Not the ones on the cart. Seller has more coming.

To Let & For Hire

To let, upper room, warm, above a stable. Rent low on account of the stable. Rent low on account of other things.

To let, cellar, dry, stout door, ring set in the floor. Chair included at no charge. Rope included at no charge. Bucket, for the water, included.

To let, the mansion on the hill, unlocked, holy symbols already nailed to the exterior at a considerable height, ropes across the garden at shin height. Prospective tenants are asked to mind the ropes. Two have not.

To let, cottage, farm road, adjoining the burned ground. Quiet now.

For hire, one cart and one gelding, strong, well fed, answers to three names. Skulls not included and not removable.

Lost

Lost, one hand. Left. Not originally mine. Reward.

Lost, my son. Twice. The second time was kinder. This notice has run every week for a year and will stop now. — F.D.

Lost, a sun. Approximately four centuries. Enormous sentimental value. No description necessary, everyone remembers.

Lost, between the Tser Pool and the falls, a bundle of letters tied in green ribbon. The finder is welcome to the ribbon.

Lost, faith, somewhere between the gate and the churchyard. Finder may keep it if he can use it.

Lost, a dog, brown, short chain, last seen at a mill on the Vallaki road, barking. Not seeking the dog's return. Seeking to know whether the dog stopped.

Lost, my nerve, in the woods on the shortcut trail. If found please do not return it, I have made other arrangements.

Lost, ten minutes, at dawn, on the road out of Tser Pool, in both directions.

Found

Found, a great many bones, cleared from a garden on the farm road. Owner may describe and collect.

Found, a boy, in a sack, during the storm. Ran before he could be given back. He is somewhere in this village. His parents have not come forward and are not expected to.

Found, a doll, in the road, resembling a woman of this village so exactly that the finder has declined to keep it and declines to burn it.

Found, a shoe. One. Enquire at the east gate.

Found, a bear's skull, on the shortcut trail. Will not be returned. The bear may apply in person.

Found, a second sack, of the same unusual make as the first. The Gazetteer does not know what it is for and has been asked not to put anything in it.

Found, a horse, gelding, well fed, answering to Clip Clop, Princess Clip Clop, and Princess. Claimed already. Advertised out of interest.

Matrimonial

Widow, comfortable circumstances, seeks widower. Recently widowed. Very recently. Applicants will not be asked about their own arrangements and are asked not to enquire about hers.

Gentleman of property, long established in the district, seeks a young woman of a particular family and a particular birthmark. He has a castle. He has waited. He is patient in the way a river is patient.

Bachelor, thirty, own boat, own net, seeks companion who will not get away.

Young woman seeks a husband from outside the valley. There is no such thing. She is aware. She is placing the notice anyway.

Divorced pair, goliath and elf, travelling together in a professional capacity, wish it known that they are not looking, not for each other, and would the village please stop asking.

Personal

To the person who has my mirror: the letter on the front page was also from me. — B.C.

To the party who left six holy symbols nailed to a house on the hill and then left the district: come back for them, or come back for us, but come back.

To the strangers with the skulls on the cart: you drove past this camp the wrong way at dawn, the entire length of it, and then you drove back. We watched both times. We will watch again.

Whoever is oiling the hinge on the east gate: the widow with the goose knows it is not Ivana's shop, and says so, and would like the rest of you to say who it is.

To the woman in the borrowed cloak coming up the hill: we know whose it is. The door is not locked. It has never needed to be.

To the goliath: that is not what I meant. — M. (Notice placed in advance, with instructions.)

I forgive you. You know for what. You will not read this and that is part of it.

Livestock & Agriculture

For sale, geese, laying, six. One not laying, and not for sale, and has an opinion.

Wanted, a cow that will settle indoors and in the dark. Ours will not. Ours has begun looking at the door.

For sale, cabbages, cheap, trodden. Straight line through the middle of the bed, every night, and there is no moving them, I have moved them.

Wanted, information as to where the crows go at noon. Two silver. Apply to the lane behind the tannery, ask for the widow with the goose.

Wanted, a horse that will not bolt at wolves. Failing that, a spell that puts one to sleep, and a cleric who will cast it on the horse and not on the driver.

Notices

Bildrath's Mercantile gives notice that it will purchase holy water at thirty-five gold the vial from any party able to supply it; that this is not a negotiation; and that the offer, regrettably, is still open.

The well water tastes of coins on days it rains. The parish has looked into the well. The parish would prefer not to discuss what it looked into the well with.

A candle is now three silver at Bildrath's. Mr. Cantemir has been asked about this four times by the same woman and has given the same answer four times, and the Gazetteer prints it here to save everyone a fifth: I know what it is, Ludmila.

Notice is given that a letter addressed to the Burgomaster has been returned to the sender, the office being vacant; that the Gazetteer has read it; and that the matter of the cabbages is now before the public.

This paper accepts notices of death without charge and always has. The ground is likewise free. We are told this is the valley's only remaining kindness, and we intend to keep offering it.

Advertisers are reminded that all copy passes the Count's Censor. The Censor has struck one notice from this week's column. The Gazetteer has left the space blank so that readers may see the shape of it.

The proprietor of this paper wishes to correct the impression that advertisements are read by the Count. They are read by the Count's Censor, which is a different office, in a different room, though the Gazetteer has never seen the two of them together.